It really wasn’t about me!


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Written by Author, Dear Thor

My Aha moment happened when I realized that it really wasn’t ever about me.

About 11 months ago, we began dating fast and furious from the start, until suddenly and without warning he broke up with me. Broken hearted I tried to move on, but he refused to leave me alone. He spent 8 months of “just kinda” pursuing me. Basically the single worst nightmare for this former bad boy magnet. Harder to kick then cigarettes, and far more dangerous. Illusive texts, calls and dinners only heightened his intrigue. He mastered the ability of giving me “just enough” before I’d realized he was actually giving me nothing at all. It became so predictable I could set my clock to it. Sometimes my life felt like a bad re-run from an old 80’s sitcom playing on loop every night on TBS. “I can’t commit,” he’d say. “Great,” I’d respond, “now leave me alone and have a nice life.”

But he never would. I’d be uninterested and stand offish, he’d pursue me harder. I’d let down my guard, he’d run. But 4 weeks ago something changed. I was back from a trip when he suddenly pursued me like never before. Calling me multiple times thought out the day and taking me out almost every night. When I asked the reason for his sudden change he responded, “because I’m back now.”

Then those same dreaded words I’d secretly hoped I’d never hear again came out of his mouth, “things have been so amazing with us but I’m starting to have a fear of commitment…again.”

But then I asked a question I had never asked him before, “have you had this feeling with any of the other girls you’ve dated in the past 3 years?”

To which he answered, “yes, every single one.”

Suddenly, it all became so clear. His past record spoke for itself. Every time he felt himself getting closer to a woman, he’d flinch and tell himself, “she’s not the right girl.” Burned by his 1st marriage, he actively chose to avoid dealing with the pain. Years later, that choice would end up having a bigger impact on his life today then his marriage ever did.

lit bulbA lightbulb went off in my head it’s not me. It’s amazing how a single phrase had the power to set me free. Hearing the words, instantaneously discredited the story I’d been telling myself for the last 11 months. I’d justified his wishy-washy attitude thinking it was a reflection of me not being good enough. When in fact, it had nothing to do with me. Why hadn’t this option even crossed my mind before? This revelation stopped me dead in my tracks. After a zillion relationships, you’d think I’d have learned something. Well, clearly I hadn’t. What a rookie mistake I’d made. How could I have let a guy’s own issues chip away at my self-confidence? Ok, so if this wasn’t about me being good enough for him suddenly the question became is he good enough for me? And this question gave me a sinking feeling. I’ve always admired character, above all else, but his character always remained in question.

I’ve probably loved this man from the moment I met him but I find myself at a crossroads. If I was in my 20’s, I’d want to fix him, like I have with so many other ex boyfriends. But suddenly I’m left with the question, what about me? When does he show up for me?

While it’s lovely we share this special bond, but if his own issues prevent him from actually being able to see the real me, then what’s the point?

My friend, Shauna, said to me, “I have no doubt that if you walk away and let him go, there will be someone better for you because the Universe always gives us exactly what we need.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because why not?” she replied. I must admit she makes a pretty strong argument. Then she asked me if I could picture him as the father of my children. Ha! I can’t even picture him as my steady boyfriend, let alone the father of my children!

It occurs to me that the man he really is and the man who I thought he could be are actually two entirely different people. So, if the man I’m in love with doesn’t actually exist, then staying with him or breaking up with him, in reality, appear to be the same thing. In both scenarios, I’m alone. Either way, I’m not with the person I’m in love with. By walking away I’m not really loosing anything, at all. How can you lose something you never had to begin with? So it appears my options are the following: more of the same or let him go and find someone better. Worst case scenario, if I don’t find anyone better, I can just find another man (like him) and simply choose to fall in love with his potential instead of his reality.

The greatest benefit of having a wildly vivid imagination is that it’s entirely possible that every man I meet can be the “one.”Thus, making the likelihood of finding happiness with someone else, an absolute guarantee.

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Strong Women Wear…


98% of my past relationships I wish I had known this…..


Great..

NOW you tell me this…..

My ex boyfriend once told me….


“I don’t think you give yourself nearly enough credit. You’re like a superhero who doesn’t know how to use her powers yet.”

Still the best compliment I’ve ever received.

Into Something Positive…


That morning I woke up in your arms after having the most vivid dream. It was about our future: our wedding, Italy, kids, sheer happiness. It felt as familiar to me as if it had already happened. When I met you, I thought I was done you were the man I had been waiting my entire life for.

But, I know now that you weren’t the ending but my beginning.

I had forgotten…

and….

you made me remember.

Remember…the very thing I had somehow lost (without even realizing it).

You reignited something in me. You brought out the fire inside of me again like the jaws of life rescuing me from an  ordinary existence. Even that concept of an ordinary existence makes my skin crawl. But a mediocre life was never in my cards. Meeting you made me realize how truly complacent I had allowed myself to become. But to be clear you are not responsible for giving me the fire, that I was born with. Too many lack luster relationships has simmered that fire inside me. But meeting you changed me. There was something about you or something about you and I together, a connection, that seemed to take on a whole life of its own. Funny how that energy made me do and say things that surprised even myself. How easy it felt to completely lose myself in you, was both unnerving and freeing at the same time. I got so caught up in being 100% transparent with you that I neglected to notice all the things you weren’t saying.

And it’s pretty odd to look back and acknowledge how very little I know about you. You were attracted to the challenge. Addicted to the false pursuit of an ideal. But, here’s the thing, when I look back at our relationship I can say I was 100% myself. I was exactly who I purported to be. Can you say the same thing? And you’re right it would never have worked out between us. But a small part of me will always wonder. I’m not the same woman I was 2 months ago when you broke up with me. We made jokes about me being a writer but oddly what came out of meeting you was finally finding the power of my voice. I will always remember what we had rather than what we didn’t. You mentioned in your email to me that you hoped I would turn the hurt into something positive.

I did.

And I started writing. Really writing.

Laws of Sex


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Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

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Meeting The “One”


Written by Author, Dear Thor
He’s the guy you meet the minute you stop looking. He’s familiar even though you’ve only just met. The very connection you spent years trying to artificially manufacture suddenly comes naturally and without much effort. What an odd sensation. Knowing that you could call him 100 times after the 1st date, say all the wrong things, go against every rule in the book AND in spite of your best efforts to sabotage not even you could derail what feels inevitable. All bets are off. All those wasted years you spent trying to tone down your big personality so you could conform into the girl you thought he wanted you to be.

Your friends don’t know what to make of your overnight transition from Confused to Confucius. They can’t figure out how you went to bed one night Paris Hilton and woke up Tony Robbins. Suddenly you’re not peppering your friends with the, “what does this mean” question. As much as you wish you could claim new-found enlightenment the truth turns out to be far less sexy, it was the wrong fit.

Until now.

I’ve been dating my ENTIRE life, obsessed with falling in love. My poor mother has received the, “I just met the man I’m going to marry” call at least a dozen times. For every girl who has ever said, “he seemed nice enough, maybe I’ll go out with him again….” I was simultaneously proclaiming to my mother, “it was love at first sight this time I swear.” Gosh, my Mom was such a good sport. Like clockwork, a broken record, an alarm that refused to go off. I would declare each time (with the most dramatic of convictions) that THIS was “the one”. My past record serves as proof that the only thing I could predict with 100% accuracy was that I had no frigging idea what I was talking about. But my Mom still took every one of my calls and listened to the same love story always about some guy on some date in some city. Occasionally, the details would vary.

I’ve had more relationships them Emilda Marco has had shoes. I cringe when I recall my college friend imitating me, “No, really Jamie- I swear this relationship is so much more major than the last.” But then again that statement is according to me! I’m what a journalist would characterize as an unreliable source. Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend, that same day I slept over at Jamie and his wife’s house. The next morning when I woke up, Jamie walked into the room and said “Good Morning, so have you met anyone since I saw you last night?” Obviously, he said this with tongue in cheek but this line made us all crack up with laughter because given my past track record anything is possible.

I’m hoping in this lifetime for lightening to strike twice.

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