Meeting The “One”


Written by Author, Dear Thor
He’s the guy you meet the minute you stop looking. He’s familiar even though you’ve only just met. The very connection you spent years trying to artificially manufacture suddenly comes naturally and without much effort. What an odd sensation. Knowing that you could call him 100 times after the 1st date, say all the wrong things, go against every rule in the book AND in spite of your best efforts to sabotage not even you could derail what feels inevitable. All bets are off. All those wasted years you spent trying to tone down your big personality so you could conform into the girl you thought he wanted you to be.

Your friends don’t know what to make of your overnight transition from Confused to Confucius. They can’t figure out how you went to bed one night Paris Hilton and woke up Tony Robbins. Suddenly you’re not peppering your friends with the, “what does this mean” question. As much as you wish you could claim new-found enlightenment the truth turns out to be far less sexy, it was the wrong fit.

Until now.

I’ve been dating my ENTIRE life, obsessed with falling in love. My poor mother has received the, “I just met the man I’m going to marry” call at least a dozen times. For every girl who has ever said, “he seemed nice enough, maybe I’ll go out with him again….” I was simultaneously proclaiming to my mother, “it was love at first sight this time I swear.” Gosh, my Mom was such a good sport. Like clockwork, a broken record, an alarm that refused to go off. I would declare each time (with the most dramatic of convictions) that THIS was “the one”. My past record serves as proof that the only thing I could predict with 100% accuracy was that I had no frigging idea what I was talking about. But my Mom still took every one of my calls and listened to the same love story always about some guy on some date in some city. Occasionally, the details would vary.

I’ve had more relationships them Emilda Marco has had shoes. I cringe when I recall my college friend imitating me, “No, really Jamie- I swear this relationship is so much more major than the last.” But then again that statement is according to me! I’m what a journalist would characterize as an unreliable source. Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend, that same day I slept over at Jamie and his wife’s house. The next morning when I woke up, Jamie walked into the room and said “Good Morning, so have you met anyone since I saw you last night?” Obviously, he said this with tongue in cheek but this line made us all crack up with laughter because given my past track record anything is possible.

I’m hoping in this lifetime for lightening to strike twice.

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On Bad Boys…


Dear: My best guy friend…


Written by Author, Dear Thor

****THIS IS THE EXACT EMAIL I SEND TO MY BEST GUY FRIEND. I THOUGHT SINGLE GIRLS IN THEIR 30’S MIGHT BE ABLE TO RELATE.****

Dear My Best Guy Friend: Actually scratch my “whatever” comment I’m making a real effort not to be passive aggressive in 2013. Ok, you already know how extra special crazy I get every year on my birthday.

I feel like I made a really big effort to make sure you had a special birthday. Do you remember how many hours you and I logged in discussing and planning for YOUR birthday?? I broke a frigging finger in pre-game (when picking up your birthday present and the stack of frames fell on top of me at the framing store). But even with a broken finger I still went water rafting for your birthday! Because missing your birthday wasn’t even a possibility. I took pictures, gave you presents, posted on Facebook, screamed Happy Birthday every 5 minutes etc. On Sunday, you have NO idea how much physical pain I was in because of the stupid finger but I never once said one word I took a vicodin and powered through. I did whatever.

So do you know why I did that?

Because I think that being single on birthdays is ONLY tolerable when good friends are willing to shoulder the extra burden.

So is it unfair?

ABSOLUTELY!

And does that mean that my best friends are basically punished because of my personal choice to be single?

Um yeah! What are you new around here or something? But, it is what it is! Everyone else seems to get it. I don’t believe friendships should be tit-for-tat. I do so much for my friends. I don’t keep tabs with the exception of 1 day out of every year.

Ok, you say you have work dinners and can’t attend. Fine, u know me, I don’t care, I’m the only girl who thinks all hedge fund business should come before G-d and Country. Literally. Dude-my beef with you is just make the effort.

So, is it possible that I’m overreacting about this?

Yes. Of course. I mean, have you met me?

And the reality is you are a dear friend to me the other 364 days of the year. Ok, I’ve said my piece. Just, next year DO BETTER.

Xx Me

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Dear any of my ex boyfriends:


Dear any of my ex-boyfriends:

If you happen to come across this and are wondering if I’m referring to you here–Don’t be ridiculous! Of COURSE I am!

The 10 Major Differences between NYC and LA


By Ryan O’ Connell

1. In NYC, you’re only allowed to be an asshole if you’re interesting. You have to earn the privilege of behaving like a dick. In LA, however, you can just be a dick. No funny jokes or good personalities needed.

2. Los Angeles is the land of delusions. You can live your life thinking you’re the best invention since sliced bread and no one will question your self-importance. New York is different though. Living here basically entails being humiliated on a daily basis. It’s like being served a slice of humble pie over and over again. So even if you do develop an ego and start to think you’re the shit, there will always be something waiting to bring you back down to Earth.

3. The standards of beauty in L.A. are wildly different from New York’s. L.A. is all about looking healthy, refreshed and athletic. Juice cleanses (aka starvation), hikes up Runyon Canyon (three times in one day), and a natural tan (secretly produced in a tanning bed). Meanwhile, New Yorkers want to look they’re on the verge of death 24/7. To achieve this look, they make sure their skin resembles that of a corpse and flaunt their malnourished figure proudly. “No, honey, this body was not brought to you by exercise and kale…”

4. People in Los Angeles are always between projects. Ask them what they do for a living and you will NEVER get a straight answer. They work in the entertainment industry? They’re a pet psychic? They’re someone’s life coach? Oh, but they’re thisclose to getting a deal with so-so, which will catapult them to overnight fame. With New York, it’s like, you better be doing something fantastic with your life because people don’t just move here and hemorrhage money just to be between projects.

5. People in L.A. always say that they want to move to New York one day. “It’s been a dream! I’m just so jealous that you get to live there!” It’s as if New York is some untouchable entity that employs a lottery to decide who gets to live here. New Yorkers, on the other hand, constantly talk about leaving the city. “But I could never move to L.A., ugh. I hate it there. OMG, maybe SF though. I’ve never been but I think I would love it!”

6. Living in L.A. is such a pain in the ass logistically that if you manage to do it, you can live pretty much anywhere else and it’ll be considered an improvement. New Yorkers are screwed though. They really can’t go anywhere else. The city turns them into Martians that don’t translate outside of the metropolitan area.

 

7. Dating in L.A. is mystery. HOW DO YOU MEET ANYONE? In NYC, it’s easier but no one wants to ever settle down. They’re too busy screwing themselves to ever really screw you.

8. In New York, you’re considered wealthy if you have a dishwasher in your apartment. In L.A., you’re rich if you live in a mansion.

9. L.A. feels like a Xanax, like your limbs have been dipped in a vat of pudding. You’re always weirdly sleepy, even though you haven’t really done anything. Perhaps it’s because the sun is always beating down on you?

10. L.A. knows how to make a good salad. New York knows how to make a good bagel. Somehow this crucial difference is more telling than anything else.

Find the one worth suffering for…


“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy…. Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”
– The Legend, Bob Marley

Our Unrealistic Expectations….


A couple of girlfriends went to the”Husband Shopping Center” to find a husband. It was laid out on five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor-you must choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave.

First floor, the door says: “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say, “Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they go.

Second floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are good-looking.” Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what’s further up?”.

Third floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, good-looking, love kids and help with housework.” Wow, say the women! Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!? And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, good-looking, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the Fifth floor they go……….
Fifth floor says:“This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have nice day.”

Jewish mothers and sons….


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. The mother says, “wonderful, what part is it? The boy says “I play the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says,”go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

A man calls his mother in Florida, he says, “hi, Mom, how are you?” The mother says,”not so good. I’ve been very weak.”The son says,”why are you so weak?” The mother replies,”because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”The son says,”that’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answers,”because I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food should you call.”

 

What did the waiter ask a group of Jewish mothers? “Is ANYTHING all right?”