Laws of Sex


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Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

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The 10 Major Differences between NYC and LA


By Ryan O’ Connell

1. In NYC, you’re only allowed to be an asshole if you’re interesting. You have to earn the privilege of behaving like a dick. In LA, however, you can just be a dick. No funny jokes or good personalities needed.

2. Los Angeles is the land of delusions. You can live your life thinking you’re the best invention since sliced bread and no one will question your self-importance. New York is different though. Living here basically entails being humiliated on a daily basis. It’s like being served a slice of humble pie over and over again. So even if you do develop an ego and start to think you’re the shit, there will always be something waiting to bring you back down to Earth.

3. The standards of beauty in L.A. are wildly different from New York’s. L.A. is all about looking healthy, refreshed and athletic. Juice cleanses (aka starvation), hikes up Runyon Canyon (three times in one day), and a natural tan (secretly produced in a tanning bed). Meanwhile, New Yorkers want to look they’re on the verge of death 24/7. To achieve this look, they make sure their skin resembles that of a corpse and flaunt their malnourished figure proudly. “No, honey, this body was not brought to you by exercise and kale…”

4. People in Los Angeles are always between projects. Ask them what they do for a living and you will NEVER get a straight answer. They work in the entertainment industry? They’re a pet psychic? They’re someone’s life coach? Oh, but they’re thisclose to getting a deal with so-so, which will catapult them to overnight fame. With New York, it’s like, you better be doing something fantastic with your life because people don’t just move here and hemorrhage money just to be between projects.

5. People in L.A. always say that they want to move to New York one day. “It’s been a dream! I’m just so jealous that you get to live there!” It’s as if New York is some untouchable entity that employs a lottery to decide who gets to live here. New Yorkers, on the other hand, constantly talk about leaving the city. “But I could never move to L.A., ugh. I hate it there. OMG, maybe SF though. I’ve never been but I think I would love it!”

6. Living in L.A. is such a pain in the ass logistically that if you manage to do it, you can live pretty much anywhere else and it’ll be considered an improvement. New Yorkers are screwed though. They really can’t go anywhere else. The city turns them into Martians that don’t translate outside of the metropolitan area.

 

7. Dating in L.A. is mystery. HOW DO YOU MEET ANYONE? In NYC, it’s easier but no one wants to ever settle down. They’re too busy screwing themselves to ever really screw you.

8. In New York, you’re considered wealthy if you have a dishwasher in your apartment. In L.A., you’re rich if you live in a mansion.

9. L.A. feels like a Xanax, like your limbs have been dipped in a vat of pudding. You’re always weirdly sleepy, even though you haven’t really done anything. Perhaps it’s because the sun is always beating down on you?

10. L.A. knows how to make a good salad. New York knows how to make a good bagel. Somehow this crucial difference is more telling than anything else.

To Realize…


TO REALIZE: The value of a sister.
Ask someone who doesn’t have one.

TO REALIZE: The value of ten years
Ask a newly divorced couple.

TO REALIZE: The value of four years
Ask a graduate.

TO REALIZE: the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.

TO REALIZE: The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still-born.

TO REALIZE: The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

TO REALIZE: The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

TO REALIZE: The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

                                                                               TO REALIZE: The value of one minute: Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.

TO REALIZE: The value of a second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

TO REALIZE: The value of a friend:
Lose one.                                     Time waits for no oneTreasure every moment you have.

Our Unrealistic Expectations….


A couple of girlfriends went to the”Husband Shopping Center” to find a husband. It was laid out on five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor-you must choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave.

First floor, the door says: “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say, “Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they go.

Second floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are good-looking.” Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what’s further up?”.

Third floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, good-looking, love kids and help with housework.” Wow, say the women! Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!? And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, good-looking, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the Fifth floor they go……….
Fifth floor says:“This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have nice day.”

My Newest Suitor(s)…..


Thoughts from the Author, Dear Thor

For the record…I’m a 35-year-old attractive, well-educated and successful career gal from a great family. Currently living and working in Santa Monica, CA.

What I’m looking for is….a nice jewish guy in his 40’s, I’d prefer someone who is currently employed (yes, I know I live in LA but a girl is still allowed to dream right?).

What I get is….a married Asian/Mexican couple who wants me to commute 3 hours to Redlands, CA to be their girlfriend?.

Is it too much to ask for a couple that is AT LEAST LOCAL?????

MY RECENT OKC MESSAGE:

Hi LACuteJewishGal, Are you open to dating a fun couple? We think you are gorgeous and r exactly our type. We’re a happy, drama free and very clean married couple in search of a girlfriend for fun times:) We live in Redlands, CA. I’m Asian, he’s White/Mexican and we’re both straight. We’ve done this a couple of times before and it was great so we want to try again. Lets meet and see if we click! Hope to talk soon!

Mia and Marty

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