Mr. “Likeminded”


Written by Author, Dear Thor

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One of my favorite couples casually mentions to me they want to introduce me to, “a guy they know.” I could tell they chose their words very carefully. Instead of calling it a “set up,” they referred to it as an, “informal meeting of like minds.” Ok, I thought, I’ll play along.

It was Saturday night, I was wearing my tight jeans and my high heels (just in case Mr. Likeminded ended up being cute). So off I go to meet my favorite couple at Mr. Likeminded’s house (who had graciously offered to cook us dinner).

Let me just preface by saying that I’ve written many posts in the past and held more then one dinner party captive speaking about my feelings about heterosexual men that own cats. Needless to say, even my dry cleaner is fairly clear about my position on this matter.

Fast forward to me walking into Mr. Likeminded’s house. I had barely cracked open the front door, when I felt Sara grab me and whisper in my ear, “before I tell you this, I need you to remain calm. Ok, so obviously this is a set up, but there’s something you need to know. He has 4 cats. And, they’re large. I’m so sorry.” The look on her face resembled one of a doctor delivering bad news to a dying pacient.

In this moment, I’m fairly certain I went out of body. In life, there are moments when you know you are being tested, clearly this was mine. How one reacts under pressure really separates the men from the boys. Ok, so could I keep it together? I polishing off a glass of wine, hoping it might dull the overwhelming smell of kitty litter throughout the house- it didn’t. “So what?” I thought, “keep it together,” I repeated to myself over and over again in my head. My eyes tried to avoid focusing on the life size scratching posts that were placed in every corner of the house.

Ok, I thought, the worst is behind me, crisis averted. No sooner had we sat down to dinner when one of the enormous cats jumped on top of the dinner table and began casually meandering through the prepared food. All 3 cats quickly followed suit. Unfazed, Mr. Likeminded didn’t skip a beat, petting them as he continued telling his story. I looked over at Sara, halfway chewing on a falafel as she tried not to notice that one of the cat’s had uniquely positioned itself so that it’s ass was only inches away from her mouth. I watched her trying to summon all of her courage, trying to pretend this wasn’t happening, and just focus on her food. In an attempt to rescue his wife, Ari said, “wow, do these cats usually jump up on the table during dinner?” Trying to casually give Mr. Likeminded the benefit of the doubt (on the off chance he had neglected to notice 4 cats meandering around his dinner table). But to no avail, Mr. L. said, “yeah, it’s so cute.” In an attempt to salvage something from this evening, I can still remember Ari looking over at me and saying, “I have a sneaking suspicion I will one day be reading about this on Dear Thor.”

Technically, this date happened 2 years ago. Probably one of the funniest parts of this story is that Sara, Ari and I have NEVER discussed this night since. As Ari had predicted, I would one day come to terms with that evening. But even he couldn’t have predicted it would be 2 long years before I would be able to talk it.

Like 3 survivors that experienced a trauma together, I’m hoping that finally being able to write about that evening will help me begin the healing process.

Men with Cats: they’re here, they’re queer and I’m so over them!!!


catsWritten by Author, Dear Thor

Ladies, it’s time to talk about what’s really going on here, I think we all know the issue I’m referring too. The white elephant (or should I say cat) in the room? I was sincerely hoping this disturbing trend would fade away and that I would never be forced to address it. I’m referring to the new breed of single heterosexual men who own a cat (and in many cases 2!).

Please note***I am a huge animal lover and have always grown up with dogs. I have many girlfriends that love/or own a cat. Also, many of my best friends are gay men. This article is speaking to the: single, heterosexual cat owners I keep finding myself on dates with.****

The sheer number of these men would blow your mind. It is not an urban myth. I am here to confirm, they are everywhere, in every major city, living among us. Has gender roles gotten so mixed up that single heterosexual men actually think this is okay? And I use “heterosexual” here with the loosest of intentions.

Because….really??????

What happened to the image of the big masculine man jogging in Central Park with his oversized dog alongside? Are these images reminiscent of a time long past? Has the 21st century version of the man with a dog been replaced by the metro sexual power walking through Central Park with a cat on a leash?

Is this the new normal?

Suddenly, every date I find myself going on lately seems to be with a cat owner. “My apartment building only allows cats. My ex-wife took the dog and left me with the cat when we separated. The cat was a gift from an ex. I’m allergic to dogs. The reason I have 3 cats is because my cat delivered and I was left to raise the litter.” Blah blah blah.

Initially your limp handshake first raised some red flags about your sexuality, but it wasn’t until you mentioned that you owned a cat, did I know for certain. It’s the nail in the gay coffin moment for me, if you will. And if you’re gay, I’m totally cool with it. Be gay, date men, fine by me. But really if you’re going to pretend to be straight, admitting to owning a cat kinda blows your cover? Does supporting the gay community also mean that I have to date the gay guys as well? To what end?

 

What was once a perverse trend is now commonplace. My friend, Nikki, admitted to me after a 9 month relationship, “there’s something I’ve been keeping from you,” she said. “What is it,” I asked. She hesitated a little and said, “well, the ex actually has 2 cats, I couldn’t tell you about the second one, I was two ashamed.” My response was “wait he had 2 cats and no car?” Hence the nickname that would spread like wildfire through San Francisco. To this day, I couldn’t tell you what his first name really was.

In summary: to any of the single heterosexual men out there reading this, I beg you, please, when your ex-wife insists on letting you keep the cat, it’s not out of the goodness of her heart-TRUST ME.

Before you go out and adopt that cat (and splurge on the matching lease) stop yourself in your tracks, instead MAN UP and adopt the big dog.

Because once you do, the women with follow….

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