The Sara and Ari way


IMG_3071Written by Author, Dear Thor

When faced with making a decision you can either do it the right way, the wrong way or what I like to refer to as the third option the Sara and Ari way. Unconventional, raw, never stands on pretense, always filled with pure love, it’s like off-roading for the soul. From afar it may seem disjointed, but get a little closer you’ll see, not only do they pull it off, they knock it straight out of the park.

On any given day, when you ask Sara about Ari her eyes will squint a little, her face will begin to light up and she’ll grin as big as a Cheshire Cat.

All you have to do is look at the place they used to live, located in the seediest part of Venice Beach. Commonly referred to as Muskrat Lane (named that because instead of a street sign the only identifiable trait was a mural of a muskrat painted on a random street corner). Down by the beach amongst the homeless and transient set, you’d walk through this dangerous and chaotic atmosphere outside, but once inside you’d enter the loving cocoon of Sara and Ari. I remember hesitating when Sara moved in, “are you sure. I asked?” Their love not only withstood the elements but flourished under the circumstances. Muskrat Lane became a testament to their love. Regardless of the challenging conditions outside, their bond could endure the elements and stand the test of time.

IMG_3075Coincidentally, I was on the phone with Sara one random night having one of our marathon conversations pondering the meaning of life. It was in this conversation that we randomly decided that the NEXT day was going to be the BEST day of our lives. So the next day, when she called me from New York, to tell me that Ari had  surprised her in NY and proposed. I think the first words out of my mouth was, “G-d, you’re good!!!”

It really wasn’t about me!


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Written by Author, Dear Thor

My Aha moment happened when I realized that it really wasn’t ever about me.

About 11 months ago, we began dating fast and furious from the start, until suddenly and without warning he broke up with me. Broken hearted I tried to move on, but he refused to leave me alone. He spent 8 months of “just kinda” pursuing me. Basically the single worst nightmare for this former bad boy magnet. Harder to kick then cigarettes, and far more dangerous. Illusive texts, calls and dinners only heightened his intrigue. He mastered the ability of giving me “just enough” before I’d realized he was actually giving me nothing at all. It became so predictable I could set my clock to it. Sometimes my life felt like a bad re-run from an old 80’s sitcom playing on loop every night on TBS. “I can’t commit,” he’d say. “Great,” I’d respond, “now leave me alone and have a nice life.”

But he never would. I’d be uninterested and stand offish, he’d pursue me harder. I’d let down my guard, he’d run. But 4 weeks ago something changed. I was back from a trip when he suddenly pursued me like never before. Calling me multiple times thought out the day and taking me out almost every night. When I asked the reason for his sudden change he responded, “because I’m back now.”

Then those same dreaded words I’d secretly hoped I’d never hear again came out of his mouth, “things have been so amazing with us but I’m starting to have a fear of commitment…again.”

But then I asked a question I had never asked him before, “have you had this feeling with any of the other girls you’ve dated in the past 3 years?”

To which he answered, “yes, every single one.”

Suddenly, it all became so clear. His past record spoke for itself. Every time he felt himself getting closer to a woman, he’d flinch and tell himself, “she’s not the right girl.” Burned by his 1st marriage, he actively chose to avoid dealing with the pain. Years later, that choice would end up having a bigger impact on his life today then his marriage ever did.

lit bulbA lightbulb went off in my head it’s not me. It’s amazing how a single phrase had the power to set me free. Hearing the words, instantaneously discredited the story I’d been telling myself for the last 11 months. I’d justified his wishy-washy attitude thinking it was a reflection of me not being good enough. When in fact, it had nothing to do with me. Why hadn’t this option even crossed my mind before? This revelation stopped me dead in my tracks. After a zillion relationships, you’d think I’d have learned something. Well, clearly I hadn’t. What a rookie mistake I’d made. How could I have let a guy’s own issues chip away at my self-confidence? Ok, so if this wasn’t about me being good enough for him suddenly the question became is he good enough for me? And this question gave me a sinking feeling. I’ve always admired character, above all else, but his character always remained in question.

I’ve probably loved this man from the moment I met him but I find myself at a crossroads. If I was in my 20’s, I’d want to fix him, like I have with so many other ex boyfriends. But suddenly I’m left with the question, what about me? When does he show up for me?

While it’s lovely we share this special bond, but if his own issues prevent him from actually being able to see the real me, then what’s the point?

My friend, Shauna, said to me, “I have no doubt that if you walk away and let him go, there will be someone better for you because the Universe always gives us exactly what we need.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because why not?” she replied. I must admit she makes a pretty strong argument. Then she asked me if I could picture him as the father of my children. Ha! I can’t even picture him as my steady boyfriend, let alone the father of my children!

It occurs to me that the man he really is and the man who I thought he could be are actually two entirely different people. So, if the man I’m in love with doesn’t actually exist, then staying with him or breaking up with him, in reality, appear to be the same thing. In both scenarios, I’m alone. Either way, I’m not with the person I’m in love with. By walking away I’m not really loosing anything, at all. How can you lose something you never had to begin with? So it appears my options are the following: more of the same or let him go and find someone better. Worst case scenario, if I don’t find anyone better, I can just find another man (like him) and simply choose to fall in love with his potential instead of his reality.

The greatest benefit of having a wildly vivid imagination is that it’s entirely possible that every man I meet can be the “one.”Thus, making the likelihood of finding happiness with someone else, an absolute guarantee.

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The forgotten art form of full disclosure



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The age old question in online dating, “just how accurate should I be in my online dating profile?” Is there a grey zone?

If women tend to lie about their weight and men about their height, where do you draw the line about what is acceptable to lie about?

Recently, I was matched up with a friend’s ex on Jdate (in real life he’s a 46-years-old, divorced father with 3 kids). However, his online dating profile states he’s a 40-years-old with no kids. Boy, is his next date in for a shock….

When you first begin dating someone, isn’t full disclosure the best policy? Or is it? It hasn’t been for the last couple of guys that I’ve dated, who have all had highly complicated relationships with the truth. I dated Ari for a couple of months before finding out he was significantly older then his profile had stated.

When Jeremy said he was a “recovering” alcoholic what he meant to say was that he was “currently” an alcoholic.

Ty’s version of “newly promoted” was a polite way of saying “currently unemployed.”

Tom told me his kids live with him every “other” weekend. Every “other” weekend turned out to be code for they live with me “full time.”

You say Potato, I say Potato.

Keith told me he volunteered for “charity.” Keith’s version of “charity” turned out to be what other people refer to as “selling pot.”

Alan told me he had an “amicable” divorce. A more accurate description would have been, “I’m still bitter and I’ll spend our entire relationship telling you all about it.”

My best friend recently confessed to me that when she first met me – she didn’t like me. Her first impression was that I was fake because “no one could possibly have as much energy as I did.”

17 years of friendship later, she said, “it turns out I am exactly the person whom I first purported to be (apparently an extrovert with that much energy).” I told her that was one of the best compliments I’ve ever received.

But the whole concept made me wonder about who else I could say that about?

I prayed to the universe for a different type of man. The type that would disclose everything from the onset.

But, you know what they say…be careful what you wish for…

High Emotional vs. High Financial Maintenance


A man once told me all women are either high “emotional” or “financial” maintenance.

And certain women are both.

He told me that men are simple creatures. They just want to be fed and feel appreciated. He went on to say most men prefer a woman who is high “financial” maintenance because (as long as you have money) there’s always an easy solution. If you throw enough money at the problem–she’s be happy.

But then there’s the women classified as high “emotional” maintenance. These women are much trickier to please. She’d rather you be “present and in the moment” then shower her with material things. She wants to know “what you’re thinking.” She’s a never-ending challenge. It takes a certain type of warrior to commit to this undertaking. Thus, the search for my warrior continues…..

Strong Women Wear…


Every woman should have…


To Realize…


TO REALIZE: The value of a sister.
Ask someone who doesn’t have one.

TO REALIZE: The value of ten years
Ask a newly divorced couple.

TO REALIZE: The value of four years
Ask a graduate.

TO REALIZE: the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.

TO REALIZE: The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still-born.

TO REALIZE: The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

TO REALIZE: The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

TO REALIZE: The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

                                                                               TO REALIZE: The value of one minute: Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.

TO REALIZE: The value of a second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

TO REALIZE: The value of a friend:
Lose one.                                     Time waits for no oneTreasure every moment you have.

“A woman gets noticed- but a lady gets remembered”


“A Woman gets noticed, but a Lady get’s remembered.”

-Author, Dear Thor

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